Questioning my Sobriety: Is Clarity on the other side of it?

this month i've scrolled through social media and noticed many friends/acquaintance's acknowledging National Recovery Month with one thought on my mind;

how many more days until my 4 year mark so i can have a drink?

while so many out there are posting dates and celebrating personal years of sobriety, i'm looking back and questioning years of sobriety. candidly speaking, there have not been many consecutive days that when truly thought about, I've enjoyed not drinking. quite the contrary;

having a drink is always on the back of my mind,

               if not the forefront.

i'll sit and watch a movie or drama depicting an alcoholic/addict and think,

man, I was never like that.

i look back on my childhood and think,

            i would never put my kids in that situation.

i look at the discipline that i apply to my daily habits and think,

i can 'handle' things if they get out of control.

i spin and spin on all the rational, practical thinking that i can muster to justify pouring a glass of wine and sitting on my couch.

to, admittedly, taking the edge off a stressful day, laughing at something a little louder than i should, to not caring for just a few hours.

i think about people i've known over the years that have told me they stopped drinking and have never felt such

'clarity'.

every

person

uses

the

word

clarity.

i wonder, what is it with clarity? where are they getting it? i've had years of sobriety and should be exhaling clarity, but no.

more like i'm clear on this sucks more than not.

i've lost friends, i've been bored, and i've absolutely felt every ounce of stress that has been served during my years of sobriety.

is it my midwest roots that demand i do everything the hard way?

was it a few bad decisions, nights out or mornings after that i judged myself on so harshly that sobriety was the only option?

was it the girl in me who grew up with alcoholism and addiction as mentors that was scared sober?

i don't know.

i only know that i'm tired of being sober.

can i tell you a silly secret? over the years, when i felt like being sober was lame or boring, i'd look up celebrities or anyone famous for that matter, that has chosen to not drink or use drugs for inspiration. in a way it was me thinking, if the cool kids can not, and still be cool.... there's a chance.

to be happy sober.

what is the correlation between happiness and sober famous people?

abso-fucking-lutely nothing,

but i grasp.

constantly...

like now -->

now i google the differences between

addiction and abusing.

moderation vs excess.

i obsess over my sobriety rather than celebrate it.

it's exhausting.