Two Faced

No one wants to think they have a two faced friend, so when you become aware that it is you who is two faced, you might find yourself freaking out a bit. I'm not talking about your typical two faced scenario with friends and betrayal either.

I'm talking about the two faced image of you, or in this case myself, that you portray to the outside world vs the you on the inside.

I'm talking about the two faced girl that leaves an appointment all smiles and can't wait to collaborate with you only to get in the car and start crying then touch it up so she can enter her next meeting all smiles and it's so great to see you's. 

I'm talking about the person you can never escape, despite trying to.

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just fake it until you make it

no one has to know.

but wait,

you know.

You show up to the dinner where you've been asked to give advice and guidance and hear yourself being talked about as if foreign;

'I want you to meet ashley; she's a business owner who really has her shit together, has confidence in who she is and owns all of it....'

You hear them talking and can only think about the fact that just 2 hours before you were out for a run and thought how getting hit by a bus and bursting into nothingness would be such a sensation of relief. 

BECAUSE SHIT GETS HEAVY

AND INTENSE

+

OVERWHELMING

and you think how the fuck can I do all of this? 

You find yourself cracking under the pressure of being this person people see.

You find yourself listening to and only identifying with the cheer squad, aka committee that doesn't let up:

< You identify with >

the mother who can't hear her kids when they are talking to her because she's so preoccupied and then feels guilty for not listening.

the woman as seen by your ex husband and (make that both) of their families

the friend that can't make or take the time to listen or respond. 

the leader who is at her desk unable to focus for more than 20 minutes and make a clear decision.

the woman sitting in the parking lot writing this with a lump in her chest thinking what is happening to me?

only to be interrupted...

phone rings. clears voice. 

'hello? Heeyy. I'm doing great. how are you?'

<<why, you two faced...>>

The anxiety is overwhelming and it distracts from your focus and judgement. What should be easy tasks and and to do's are obstacles and impossible endeavors.

what should be a hard yes or hard no is an

i'm not sure.

you are no longer responding to situations, but reacting.

when one of your kids tells you they left their school bag at home you find yourself barely able to breathe.

they look at you like your crazy.

you tell them you are hoping that may invoke stellar behavior or at the very minimum, responsibility for themselves. 

<commence the inner dialogue>

 oh my god. i can't teach them how to keep their shit together.

them?

you can't even keep your own shit together, let alone, teach two other humans how!

will they ever be able to take care of themselves on their own?! 

will you be raising them forever??

how will i ever be able to have a full day at my desk?

oh. my. god.

Can I get a LIFELINE? 

That is what I mean by two faced. 

it's the internal tug of war between trying to keep it together and cracking into a billion pieces.

you fighting against yourself. 

it's so beyond exhausting that it is no wonder you start isolating not only mentally, but physically. You show up when you need to and to nothing more.

When this happens, you shut yourself off and those around you out. 

Unfortunately, you are so worried with not letting all those around you down, that you forget to take care of yourself first. You start neglecting your own needs and the self nurturing that needs to happen to self preserve.

because no matter how solid you think you are and or good you have it, life happens. and when it does you need to be emotionally ready. Obviously, some things you can't prepare for, but from speaking of my own experience with those situations, if you already know how to care for yourself, (which I didn't) you'll be better prepared to pick yourself up. 

self care starts with asking for help.

that is probably the hardest thing for me to do. i like to think i can handle everything on my own and that i don't need anyone. 

i also tell myself i have no one to ask...

<i imagine you struggle with that as well>

it's scary to rely on other people, but honestly, isn't that what we are for?

i start at home first when asking for help. i'll ask my kids to cut me a break and explain to them what's going on with me. it's amazing how quickly they will respond. 

i'll call a family member to work through what is real time stress vs childhood triggers and cut through some of the emotional noise.

i show up to my running group or yoga practice and surround myself with a community of people that are also choosing to work through it by working it out. 

i keep my close ones close to remind me i'm loved and supported.

 i have a therapist and a few mentors on speed dial that help me set the record straight. 

french fries and sitting front row at violet crown with my bestie does the trick too. (le duh!)

the sooner i get through the static and feel taken care of, the sooner i can show up and be in service to those who need me most. 

At 37 years young, i'm trying to learn self care so that not only can i continue be there for my kids and the people counting on me, i can be there for myself.

it's a constant process and practice that sometimes i can't keep up with.

sometimes i don't want to.

this is when you have to fight hard against that inner voice and surrender.

you ask for help.

and expose the two faced person for who she is...

human.