Episode #21 Ruminating Distracts You From Feeling




This transcript is not word for word. Tune in to listen or Watch the Youtube Video :)

Do you notice how when one thing isn’t working, all the things aren’t working? Obvs, if you’re anything like me, you are thinking is Mercury in fucking retrograde again? Did it ever un retro grade from the last time? Have we humans on planet earth permanently entered a time and space where technology isn’t working and all communication is fucked?

My last few days have been just that. Tech gone awry and communications with my daughter not going what I like to call, so well.

My technology frustrations started a few days ago- well, actually technically they started around Feb 8th but I didn’t know that until the 23rd… I knew on the 14th, that my Sonos wasn’t working, but I was too busy celebrating life that I couldn’t be brought down by such a trivial inconvenience. But the other night, when I went to look at my bank account and noticed all these Uber eats charges. Which is very peculiar because I don’t Uber eats… I scrolled through my account in total disbelief combined with wait, how do I make this stop?! This prompted me on the phone with my bank at 11pm - which couldn’t be resolved because banks aren’t open… The next night it was the Internet - it wasn’t working. In my attempt to fix I disconnected / disabled Alexa and all my computers from it.

It was frustrating… literally spending chunks of time going through the prompts with the same outcome every single time- won’t connect. can’t reach a representative. We can’t assist you right now.

The last few nights have seemed like me reliving the same scenario, but on different platforms. We all know the definition of insanity… and I was feeling it.

finally around midnight last night, I was like enough. It’s not working. Let it not work. A part of me was like, fine other voice inside my brain.… I’m tired anyway.

Then, I woke up this morning to work on a project with my daughter and by the end of it- she snapped at me - then I snapped back. That was not only me reacting to her behavior in that moment, but it was a reaction built up from her acting this way of late… It was one of those moments where I wasn’t fully mindful of my response, but it was definitely one that I had considered having prior…

Nevertheless, I was pretty upset and my delivery was emotional though not unwarranted in my humble opinion. Human brain happening over here.

After she left, I was crying over our conversation and thought, this is so hard. Which I was quick to recover- you chose motherhood… sort of. you didn’t really know what to expect even after reading what to expect… where’s the book on teens — stop it. You’re not a victim…

While walking the beats with the Frenchie’s I couldn’t stop Ruminating over the conversation. Except when Peachy would run drop and roll… Aware that what I was doing wasn’t productive but I wasn’t ready to let it go. I couldn’t stop replaying the story and staying stuck in the feelings.

I got home and sat down to meditate and take some conscious mindful breaths…

I noticed in my body this feeling like I was pushing against… like a wall was closing in on me and I was trying to push it away… my body felt heavy with exertion… the question posed itself again-

Can you just be upset? Not try and fix anything right now…

Rather than distracting yourself with the apps and watching them not load time after time, can you let them not connect and sit with it?

Instead of playing the conversation over and over with Faith and trying to control how she’s behaving, can you just be with being upset?

Can you stop trying to control your feelings and just experience them?

And as soon as I stopped distracting myself from spinning in my argument with faith let my technology just be broken I was able to allow it all;

I felt the heavy feeling in my body. It became more frantic and static like moving around

ahhhh- my familiar friend, anxiety. I should have known it was you coursing through my system- I breathed into it.

Allowed it.

My thoughts became more clear and to the point- I’m powerless right now. I can’t control what’s happening and I feel powerless.

Which is a feeling I think we all try to avoid.

Ultimately though, when we recognize it, we get agency. Literally you move from primal brain to neocortex but know one wants to hear about science right now.

When we can recognize the feeling and the o.g. thought causing it, we can fact check.

Is it the world against me right now, fucking with my internet to fuck with me? Does the bank teller really need to hear me yelling about how this is absurd- I mean after all, I’m the one that downloaded the app. No one made me.

Ultimately, I don’t have control over my daughter, her behavior or her choices. And sometimes I hate this… and That’s terrifying to me on so many levels. I have the story, I’m her mother, I’m suppose to keep her safe, she should respect me- and so on. Wouldn’t the be nice if that were true. I often tell Faith and Nick that if I could put that back inside me, I would. That way I could still be their mother but keep them safe from the world.

The only thing I can control is what I choose to think about my daughter and my technology. Currently my only problems are thought problems and that is the best news because they can be solved at the mind level.