So many texts and messages about me making out with a stranger. hahaha some of you are like, wait. I want to do that. Others like, what’s the big deal… more of you like, was there more??
You’re thinking the TEA! SPILL THE TEA!
I was out on a run thinking about a podcast I had recorded with a friend a few weeks back and I found myself reiterating AGAIN the fact that I don’t participate in the hook-up culture or dating apps. I feel like I’ve repeated this so many times over the last year…
I asked myself why? Why don’t you have casual sex, one night stands or random make out sessions… partly is because i don’t go out… but the main part is that I have this belief that the exchange of energy is such an intimate powerful one that I don’t want to do that with just anyone… I also enjoy having great sex and don’t want to risk it being bad. I don’t. then there is the ‘ how will i feel mentally after? Will I judge myself? will I feel bad if i never hear from him? what if i don’t want to talk to them? does that make me a bad person…what if they don't want to talk to me? so many questions and unknowns-
so instead i choose to wait until i’m interested in someone and know that it’s mutual. which, if i’m honest brings up its own set of bs for me. I spend weeks getting to know this person and wondering, aka spending valuable brain time and energy thinking thoughts about whether or not they are going to be a good kisser or if we will align sexually in the bedroom and if we don’t then what? Now I’m talking to this person and feel a whole new level of commitment over that… how do I get out? I’m trapped. It’s too much!
I’d rather skip all the ruminating and have sex with myself. I know it’s good and I’m always here for me after.
After seeing all my thoughts I concluded that not only is it a risk either way, but the latter actually preoccupies me in a way that I’m not interested in currently. I don't want to think this much about someone and dating. I don’t.
Rather than spend weeks getting to know someone before I’m intimate with them I decided to shatter my own belief system of I don’t have one night stands and go make out with a stranger! See what might happen! I told my friends my plan and began manifesting this sexy make out session with a stranger into my reality.
Now I’m navigating what to do after you make out with a stranger. It hadn’t occurred to me that I would ever see this person again… that I might get to know the stranger…Which is great. My personal practice is all about not overthinking things.
I’m so black and white about everything. This is my year to learn how to play in the grey.
Rather than trying to avoid and never talk to the person again and reject them before they reject me or make a great make out and fun story mean i’ve met the one and start imaging my life with them…
I’m being okay with just letting it be and practicing managing my thoughts and emotions around it. It’s REALLY good work for me. I get to practice what I set out to do this year; enjoy all the things while not losing focus on myself and my business. enough about that tho…
I want to talk to you about Future Focus and WHY this concept is vital to your growth and creating the life you want- and how, when you combine this thinking with FEELING you can get things done. things like lose weight, make money, open a business, train for marathons, or you know, make out with strangers. It doesn’t matter the WHAT.
Future focus is the required tool for you to overcome your biggest challenge-
You and Your very own brain.
if i were to ask you who are you? and how do you know? most of you will look to your past- You’d tell me about your relationships, the kids you have, your job… you’d have an endless download for me about who you are and what you can do based on all the things you’ve done in your life.
if i asked you how you planned on achieving your next goal, you would also likely refer to your past and tell me what you’ve accomplished providing us the proof of what you’re capable of.
if i asked you to tell me what you wanted your future to look like, you would stare at me. i know this because I witness it with my clients and friends all the time. You freeze when you think about what and who you want to be…. and then you immediately refer to your past and tell me more about why you can or can’t.
You express feelings of overwhelm, confusion, indecision, feeling stuck or lost. Your brain goes into what I’ll call a state of panic.
This is what our brain is wired to do. it’s the emotional triad: Seek pleasure, avoid discomfort and be efficient. this is how we’ve managed to stay alive and evolve since the beginning of time: Don’t leave the cave… play it safe or you’ll die. In modern times this basically means FAIL AHEAD OF TIME.
when you decide to try something you haven’t done before your brain goes to work coming up with all the thoughts as to why you shouldn’t or you can’t….
Run a marathon under 4 hours. You’ve never run that fast before. Your body isn’t built to do that.
Lose the last 10 lbs. Why even bother? It never comes off.
Set aside 6 months of living in a savings account… what’s the point in trying. Every time I try something comes up and I end having to spend it.
dating? I’ve never been able to figure that shit out. i’m better off alone.
The human brain wants proof of concept - to know how to accomplish the goal in order to go to work. and quite frankly- you’ll never get it referring to your past. You’ve never been this person before. There is no evidence that you can do it- but there is fuck ton of conditioned beliefs and recycled thinking informing you that you can’t.
You have to be willing to overcome your biggest obstacle: Your brain. In order to chase your goals and create the life you want you have to be willing to overcome yourself and your thoughts. You have to be willing to let go of the beliefs you have about yourself. The identity that you’ve created.
You have to believe that change possible.
You have to believe HARD.
Your brain will want to resist the new emotions and the energy it will require just to think differently than you have before.
But really, what’s the drawback in believing bigger than you do now? Like, if you could believe anything is possible, despite your past, what would it be? How would that make you feel?
This is so important, y’all. How are you going to feel?
The thing is, we as humans do everything we do because of the way we think it will make us feel… It’s not the external material item. It’s the feeling we get from buying the house or losing the weight or crossing the finish line that we are doing it for.
Everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way. AND our feelings drive all our actions making sure we get the results we are after.
When I chose to train for the Austin Marathon I decided I wanted to qualify for Boston. Immediately all the thoughts came up; Have I ever run that fast? No. and you always say you’re going to run a marathon and then you don’t. you get sick. you close a store. kids. time. injuries. you quit on yourself all the fucking time. and how are you going to train to run that fast with only 4 months to go? ALL the thinking thoughts with all the proof as to why I shouldn’t or can’t. Guess how all of this made me feel. DEFEATED. I felt like a loser before I even started.
I had to dig deep to overcome myself. I had to come up with new thoughts that would motivate me. I had to access the me who trains hard. who shows up… and doesn’t give up on herself.
which meant i had to imagine a me who didn’t give up on herself. What did that feel like?
I got advice from myself after I’d crossed the marathon finish line in 3 hours and 40 minutes. I got into HER head …
I asked her how SHE did it. what actions did she have to take. how did she show up each day.
I asked her how she had to feel to do all that.
I asked her what she had to think to feel that way…
I started FEELING the immense pride I imagined myself having after completing my goal in the present moment. I started thinking the thought I ‘overcame myself’ everyday.
What i’ve learned over the last few months of training is that life is always going to happen and there will never be perfect conditions- that there will always be reasons to quit.
I’ve been sick and unable to run more than once. I’ve had lost luggage and no shoes to train for 10 days. I’ve had an injury that took me out for close to 2 weeks and continues to flair up after 12 miles. You name it. At first i took those as the signs to quit… but I kept thinking, I can overcome this obstacle. I’m not quitting on myself. i can overcome myself. It’s not even about the time anymore or boston. it’s about proving to myself that I can do anything despite what’s coming up. and I’m a changed person!
I cannot tell you how much this process has served me. I’ll got a text from my running coach telling me he can see how hard i’m working by the miles i’m logging and that he’s proud. I wrote back thanking him and this was not to dismiss his compliment or sound conceited, but I told him I”m so proud of myself. I’m watching myself show up in a way I never have before and it feels so damn good. Ironically, the me before would wanted the outside recognition and validation. My brain exploded for a minute over this. I know i’m doing the work and giving my all. I can acknowledge it to myself and it turns out that feels way fucking better than anyone else telling me or noticing. That practice of feeling pride in real time had been manifested. Not to mention my relationship with running nothing like it has been over the last 20 years.
Referring to your future is conceptually no different then referring to your past - they both exist in your brain and are only thoughts that you have… both are tools that you can use. One is not more real than the other! The difference is your future self is limitless. There is so much more possibility. And when you can dream and fantasize about what you want, you expand your capacity to think.
the bitch is that your brain wants to be efficient and it requires energy to think about the future.
I was talking to a client recently and he said this:
I'm ready. For the first time in years I'm ready to get out there but I'm not sure how. In the past I had more confidence, but i didn’t know what i was doing. I fucked around and misled a few women. I’m not sure how to navigate it all. Ladies don’t seem to understand my boundaries - they always seem to want more no matter what. I wanna have the days of flirting. The tough part is that I’m lonely and I can't seem to shake my gentleman charm… I’m a lover, not a dater. It’s almost too much to think about. Maybe i shun everyone for a bit.
I don’t know what I want. Freedom? Companionship? Independence? To be me without leading anyone on? fuck. it’s all too much…. i don’t have any idea how to think about all that. It might be easier to just focus on my kids and not deal. let it happen organically. It's honestly too much to think about.
This is his brain being VERY efficient.
Subconsciously living in the past and soaking in negative thinking.
Martha beck calls this story fondling. This story of why you are where you are because of what happened … and when. and because of… and so on. You don’t realize it, but not only do you lead with this story, you living it brings you comfort. It’s a safety net…
She says, “I’ve come to think that the main purpose of rumination is work avoidance.
That dwelling tin the past keeps us from the emotional discomfort of creating the life we want now.”
You can continue to do this and spend your life in stagnation OR you can start imagining a future you’ve never even considered and start believing in new things. You can stop spending time worrying about how you can’t and instead spend your time figuring out how you are going to.
This is possible.
What do you need to think? What thought do you have to have? How would you show up?
Get Clear on Your WHY.
Start where you think you’ll end up.
Whatever you think you’ll prove to yourself by making it happen, prove to yourself now.
Start to generate the emotion and Embody how it feels now.
I understand how hard it can be for your brain to imagine a future it doesn’t know.
If you find that you can’t picture a different future or you have no idea what you want try this:
Try believing in something new for 5 just minutes. It doesn’t have to be life changing… maybe it’s seeing yourself as a person who works out 4 days a week. Or out on a date laughing and flirting… Daydream.
Or… Stop thinking and Just Feel it. all over your body. It could be love, joy, peace, euphoria, whatever feeling you crave practice feeling it. you don’t have to have a reason or accomplish the thing to feel what it will be like. don’t think about the details or the how. nothing. just feel.
Next week we are talking about my new favorite F word, FAILING.
until then, consensual hugs and no complaining. Unless it's conscious.